Saturday, June 18, 2011

Grab Somebody

I want to exist in the www. Like, properly exist, somebody everybody will know. I am so tired of the real world. It's so boring. Same things happen all the time. Nothing, great.

I want to be a fiction of imagination in everybody's mind. I want them to imagine me doing great things, doing good things, doing things that I can never really do in real life.

But, alas, those are just wishes. What I really am is here, alive in this world. Born into this world. Don't know what I'm supposed to do yet, these 20 years hasn't been that exciting. I don't really know what I'm expecting out of this life. I keep thinking something great will happen, but meh. Don't think it'll be happening. Not now, not ever. Such a mundane thing, life.

Other matters aside, I went to the doctors. He told me that I have low blood pressure and to combat that, I should do more exercise (to build up my heart) and have more salt. Also, he told me that I have put on too much weight and I should lose it and then when he was going to take my blood for the blood test, he told me again, that I really really needed to lose weight because I've gotten so fat he can't even see the vein. Too much meat, too much steak, he says.

I don't understand. Have I gotten that fat really? In my eyes, in my mirror, I see a healthy, decent weight girl. Definitely not skinny or slim, but healthy. Not obese, not even overweight but everyone around me seems to think differently. Somebody, help me out. It's driving me crazy. Why am I not seeing myself, as everyone is seeing me? When I was skinny, I used to see myself as a fat pig and I needed to lose more. But now, when I'm apparently fat, I see myself as a normal girl. I think I am going crazy.

I have decided to cut down all my portions to a silly tiny amount. Drown myself in water. We'll see how that works. I don't want to do this. All these years, I've fought against going back to my old ways. But seeing as how my old ways made everyone around me happy, I guess everyone elses happiness always trumps mine.

I am a disgusting cow.

Today, I am angry at the world. (Who's surprised?)


1 comment:

  1. Anonymous12:17 AM

    Don't do it. Don't go back to your old ways. Take care of you and your heart not any one else's. You ARE healthy and of decent weight.