Where has all the time gone?

And with a blink of an eye (yes one eye. I've started twitching a lot lately hahaha), it's already the end of July. Haven't visited my own blog in forever, and was startled to see that my last post was mid January! That's half a year gone by and I've not bothered to blog. Mostly because I have been so busy with life and just, there's been so many things to do and so many emotions to be felt.

Decided to blog today because I've missed ranting in words, and typing fiercely and without hesitation. To put it simply, I've missed writing. And it's not just writing about make-up that I've missed (haven't had the budget or time to buy new make-up.. I know, the sadness) but I've missed writing about how I felt or what I've been doing without being afraid of being judged.

These days, I realised, I have been keeping myself locked up in a box. Not a very big box, a medium one with a few people in there with me. Okay, that come out a little wrong, but like you know, there are a few people that I pour my heart and soul out too so it's been alright but I still feel like there's something missing.

Am I happy? Yet? I think the right answer would be no.. I'm not happy.. yet. I'm good, I'm alright, I'm content.. but I'm not at the level of happy I think I could potentially be. I'm even starting to question the definition of happiness, is it the amount of laughter you go through every day or how much you smile? Cause I definitely laugh everyday and I most definitely smile everyday. But at the end of the night, when I'm home.. I just feel like emo-ing.. mostly. Or just knocking out (which on most days is a good thing). There are times when I'm restless and can't sleep and thank goodness for the time difference because my love, Diana usually will be there to talk to me till I finally get sleepy, but when she is not, I tumblr and overthink about life.

Some days, I pat myself on the back because I feel like I've come a long way from dark days. Some days,  I'm not so sure. I've taken up calligraphy and it's been a good past time.. some nights  I can sit and write and practice for hours and hours till it's past midnight and my eyes are tearing up to sleep. Maybe when I consider myself good enough, I'll post some here for memories.

Where is all the time going to? I think about what I have done this year and whilst I had done a fair bit, I still feel like I haven't done quite enough and I can't think about what I can do with the remaining 5 months of 2015. In a month's time, I will be reunited with Diana and Chloe, and Allisan in Bangkok and I am really, really, REALLY, looking forward to that. Mostly because my three favourite people are going to be with me at the same time in a really awesome city, so that's a lot to look forward to there. You know, I was already going to BKK with Alli, but when Chloe and Diana confirmed that they too, could meet us up there, I was so happy I could cry. My face was actually hurting from smiling so much haha.

Also, I've finally finally been to Melbourne now. At one point, it felt like I was the only person on this world that's not been to Melbourne, so I'm glad I can say that I've finally visited and I enjoyed myself! I would say, mostly my tummy enjoyed it. Packed on a fair bit of weight there and I almost don't regret it. Visited Philip Island and penguins almost became my new favourite animal (can't compare with rabbits and dogs though.. I cannot.), only because they were SO cute and smart and just lovely. I don't think anyone could stay upset watching them walk. That was a good experience. I also got to see some koalas and kangaroos, which I was excited for. The last time I was in Australia, I was in Primary 6, perhaps? So it's been a while. I still prefer the UK for many things, but I can see why people like Australia too. hehe

I want to be back in this space soon. It's nice to be able to type again hehe It really has been a while. Before I leave today, I want to share this little quote that I came across whilst tumblring today. It really hit a spot and made me want to cry.

“Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.” ― Nayyirah Waheed

And I think it's so true. There's another quote that I love so much that goes like this: 

"Wait for the person that makes things feel effortless. You should not have to try so hard to keep him. If he's the right person, he'll stand by you no matter what and you won't have to exhaust yourself with trying to make him stay." 

 And my most favourite quote of all:

"The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you'll see their flaws. That's just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don't last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they are out of money or under pressure or hungry. For goodness' sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it's seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship." 

 Basically, what the world of quotes is trying to tell me and all of y'all out there is that if a person loves you, they'll love you. Irregardless of everything.

Some days I feel like I'm the most difficult person to love and some days I feel I'm really not that bad. Some days people make me feel like I am not worthy of their time, or their love and it's hard on those days, but then there's also more days where people make me feel like I am worth their time and love and I am especially thankful for these people because y'all really do lift me out of the clouds. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for listening to me, and not judging me and just letting me air out my heart. It gets so stuffy in there with all the thoughts and silly things I keep in there. Some days, I just wish I didn't feel so much.

It would be so much easier if I was cold hearted.

Lots of love,
Amelia.

Day 126/365

I've procrastinated way too long already. To be completely fair, I've been internet-less over the entire weekend due to a broken modem at home. *sob. Been relying on Brunei's mobile 3G and safe to say, it's not very reliable.. or cheap for that matter. Used up about B$50 from just loading IG/Twitter/FB and Line/WA over the weekend. Deng

Anyway, went on a super extreme emotional rollercoaster ride over the weekend, so maybe it wouldn't have been too good if I blogged. However, fingers crossed, I think everything is fine at the moment but we'll see how things turn out.

Right now, I'm loving Ed Sheeran's One. Please give it a listen, when you can! It's so good and the lyrics. *love*

Oh man, suddenly my mind went blank. I think it's cause of all the Nasi Lemak I had for dinner which was so obscenely good and then I had to have some roti jala to wash that nasi lemak down and now I'm suffering from heart burn. But that Nasi Lemak tho.

Ooh, can I rant? I ordered a  bunch of items from Luxola (only the best online shopping site EVER) one and a half week ago and it's been in Brunei since the 2nd of May and I've still yet to get my items! SO ANNOYED :( And I know it's not Luxola's fault cause they're always super prompt. The problem lies with the mail department in Brunei. SO SLOW! The worse is that they don't actually deliver the package to you, you'll have to bring in a slip to the post office and then collect it by yourself. SO MAFAN LO. Walao. Like people have all the time in the world. HAIH

LOTS TO DO. I will update tomorrow hehe

Lots of love,
Amelia xo

Dy 123/365

Woke up from a dream that I was eating so much steak. I think this is the result from watching too much Masterchef over the past couple of days. Also, woke up to Pepper staring at me intently waiting for me to wake so I can open the door for her and Scamp. Oh man, I'm going to miss these doggies so much. They really do warm my cold heart so much sometimes, like I have so much love for them I wish I could bring them everywhere with me. #crazydoglady

Like, the other day, I was sobbing into my pillows and I must've startled Pepper but she was just sitting there looking at me with such sadness in her eyes and licking my elbow, it almost felt like she was telling me that it'll all be okay, don't be sad.

But, I can't help it. I am sad. I am sad, I almost don't know how to stay happy. I've gotten to this point in life where all I can be is happy for a brief moment and continue the rest, pretending I am happy. But I really am not. I sing happy songs and sometimes I feel like crying, or I burst out in tears and it's not normal.

My mind is haunted by thoughts. So. many. thoughts. You'd think it would be impossible to think so much but nope, not my mind. I think about everything, all the time. Even when I look like I'm just not really thinking about anything- I am. And then I get sad from all my thoughts.

How?

I am tired today. I am tired everyday. I am pretty sure it's from over exerting my mind each night before I finally fall asleep and my dark circles under my eyes don't lie.

Thank god for concealers.

xo
Amelia.

Day 120/365 - extra bits and bobs and Namu's Snail White MAGIC CREAM lol

Didn't get to post these pictures up yesterday cause for some reason I was missing a whole chunk of pictures and i couldn't find them and I went to sleep sad but I FOUND THEM TODAY lol

Mango sticky rice ice-cream from DQ Thailand. Super legit! There really was sticky rice on top of our ice cream. LOL 

 PLS READ THE MANUAL ON THIS ICE SHREDDER.

Best Ice-Shredder ever. Confirm will earn you $50 to let you spend at your family vacay.

Where I belong always - under your armpit. LOLOLOLOL

 Okay, now this. I have to talk about. I've been seeing this Namu Snail White thing EVERYWHERE on social media. Blogs, Instagram, Facebook.. been getting spammed about this since they're sponsoring lots of bloggers with this product. So yeah, fell into it. PLUS I SUPER LOVE THE PACKAGING? (TBH, I should totes do a seperate post on this but too lazy lol) I don't mean the box the product came in but the actual container.

Anyway, in Malaysia, they're selling one for RM150. Which I think is a little bit pricey and I wasn't willing to spend that much money on some snail secretions thing that I wasn't sure was going to work either. Plus, it's super vague.They say it's ok for oily skin ok for dry skin ok for acne prone skin.. HAI MM HAI AH??? Like magic cream like that wor. ALSO, they're charging and extra RM10 for postage and an extra RM8 if you live in East Malaysia. Like WTF man.

So this is what the snail cream promises.

So I was in Thailand right and I saw it in Watsons (or Guardian... don't remember) and guess how much they were selling for? Only 990Baht which is equivalent to RM100! That's RM50 cheaper than what Snail White Malaysia was offering. So I went ahead and got myself a bottle (and my mom too)

I've been using it religiously at night (cause I am still wary about the whole oil controlling aspect of this as I am super super sked about having an oily face in the day time) and to be completely fair, I really like this product! It comes out a little slimy ish but it gets absorbed into the skin really easily. All I need is just a pump of the product (very little - the size of a 10 sen coin maybe) and pat it into my skin!The smell is super unoffensive at well. There's just a hint of smell that i can't put my hands on but it's decent!

I don't know if it's the combination of all my other products - I'll do a post on this soon but I notice a big difference in the lightening of my pimple scars. I don't get pimples very often but when I do they're a monster sized one and usually end us with a big black scar on my face. But they all have been lightening up!

Would I repurchase? Yes. But, not from Malaysia. I think it's daylight robbery to be paying an extra RM50 just because it's been brought in to Malaysia. To be completely fair, I am pretty sure they get it SO much cheaper when they get it in bulk so hopefully I have friends who are going to Thailand or I'll get to go there myself and buy a couple of bottles. It does well as a night moisturizer which is something I've been looking for since my day moisturizer has SPF and we all know we're not meant to use SPF at night to bed.

Okay, that was quite ranty- I apologize. Just got excited when I saw the picture again. HAHA

Woe is me. I GET EXCITED OVER SKINCARE (T_T) It's so bad.

Let me know if you've tried this Snail Cream and let me know how it's worked out for you! Also, if you have any other places to get this at RM100 or below, nothing above RM110 that's for sure, please let me know. I wanna bulk buy. Haha

Lots of love,
Amelia xo

Day 03/365

3 days into the New Year, what would you be expecting to expect? I wasn't really expecting much. Just a new year.. new day. Same shit, just different day.

Now. This is where Yat Jun will voice out," Babe, it has nothing to do with the New Year, can you just stop focusing on how there's been a series of unfortunate happenings..". That's my boyfriend guys, always the more positive one of of us two (and probably why he's in my life- cause he's awesome and patient like that.)

Anyway, where was I. Oh yes, anyway, the start of my New Year has not been anything like what I imagined. Definitely not, " same shit, just a different day" kind of thing.

First thing in the morning, after a very panicky night from a work fuck-up, I manage to get foundation ALL over the floor while I was trying to get just a tiny dime-sized amount out. That's pretty much half of the foundation in the bottle gone. Can I add that it was a brand new bottle as well?

To make things even more exciting, I fell face first on the steps of the LRT, in front of an awesome crowd of people. This wasn't just embarrassing, it was fucking painful and I had to act like I "wanted" to fall down, like it was all part of the plan. Ha ha. I have a beautiful flower of a bruise on my knee now to remind me to never buy shoes a little bigger because they will come off while you're walking up a flight of stairs and they will make you trip and they will make you regret buying them.

Work was not too good either. Stressful to say the least.

By the end of the working day all I wanted was to cry on Yat Jun's arms and chest and a big bowl of vanilla ice-cream topped with a lot of cake pieces.

But I got neither of those. I did however have lovely friends (that I met as colleagues) who helped picked me up and told me that everything was going to be alright. I did get to have a homecooked meal with my Aunty & family. I did get to speak to my mom and dad and saw Pepper in all her CNY outfits and Scampy even stayed on the camera for a little bit. I did get a phonecall from a friend who suggested we could grab brunch on Saturday. I did get to Skype with the love of my life who is one of the most supportive person I know in my life. I also did get to go out for drinks and laughs and banter with my cousins and their friends and it was great. Just to let everything go.

I'm just saying that today, I am thankful for all the little things in life that adds up into big things that stops me from wanting to do stupid things like onto a running train at the LRT station or not looking both ways before I cross a busy road.

Life is pretty much shit but when there's amazing people in it then everything gets just a little bit better. :)

xoxo
Amelia

p/s still fucking stressed out bout work tho, not exactly looking forward to next week. I WISH I WAS A TIME TRAVELLER.

Yearning is a kind of sickness.

I am hoping that this time next year, I will be in a happier state of mind. I am hoping and I am praying and I am wishing.

This time last year, I was getting geared up to head down to London town with Jun, Diana and Cheryl for Big Bang, Duck&waffle, Tonkotsu and Meat liquor.

Just some throwbacks..

And then there's me this year.

*inserts picture of me with haggard looking eyebags and nothing to look forward to*

Hahahahahahahaha.

I am the sort of person that needs to have something to look forward to in life so that I can keep going.

At the moment, everything is kinda blah and the only thing I can look forward to is heading back to Brunei mid-January and then CNY break with my parents.

Yeah.

But even that's still a month and a half away.

For the month of December...... practically nothing.

This sucks.

Going to head over for a Facial sesh this afternoon with Hazel and hoping to squeeze in Frozen at the cinema too. I am just so tired and I've been sleeping so dangerously close to the side of the bed that I always wake up in the morning because I feel like I'm falling over (because I was falling over-- that's how close I have been sleeping to the side of the bed).

dafuq right.

Need to move to my own room ASAP. Although, I am a little worried cause there is no air-con and no fan in the room. NO AIR-CON and NO FAN. FML. I have a little standing fan that I am pretty will NOT keep the sweating at bay.

tis' the ghetto part of life.

Haih.

So much to do and so little time to do. But positive side, time moves pretty pretty swiftly when there's lots of crap to get down. So thank goodness for that.

Hope everyone has a better December than I will!

xoxo
Amelia. 

Unemployed #22

Hahahahah. Decided to name my blog posts with how many days since I graduated. Right now, I am just chilling out and having a mini "holiday" since back in the UK,  even after my exams I was still working till a week before I graduated so I haven't had time to just seriously lay back and not to anything.

Things I wish we had in Brunei.

1) BOOTS. Seriously. Boots UK is about the best drugstore EVER. I love it and I can go into it every single day and find something I "need" every single time.

Actually, if Brunei had a proper boots store or just a RELIABLE good drugstore I can be content. Seriously. I *heart* drugstores and Guardian just doesn't cut it. I will accept SASA as well. lol

Managed to renew my driving license this morning as well which included bonding time with daddy dearest over a huge bowl of kolo mee and kolo wantons. (Two seperate bowls for both of us btw -- I WAS SO FULL.) and Chloe lovely came by last night to visit Scampy and I and that was really nice. (^_^)

Also, called up a hair salon to make reservations for hair cuts for Diana (who will be back in a week-- yay!) and I next week. So eggcited as I've been wanting to try a new style for a while now so we'll see if it works for me lol. Even if it doesn't I wanna make it work for me. JUST GOTTA WERK IT. lol

One haircut a year and I get so excited to get my hair cut lol. #haircutdeprived hahahahaha

Gonna go get my back fixed later and Shahbandar at 4pm. I am scared.

xoxo
Amelia

These days

It's getting so difficult to title these posts as it is difficult to type with my nails at the moment. It is so offputting having all these typos and not being able to do anything about the accuracy of my typing. lol

Anyway, it has been a week since I've been back in Brunei and two weeks since I last saw Jun and I can safely say these are the things I miss:

1) Walking/Power walking/slow walking/ ALL forms of walking.
2) Having dinner/eating with Jun, and talking mindlessly about everything and anything under the sun.
3) Cooking.
4) Lazing around the house watching youtube videos without having to wait for it to load.
5) Wearing a jacket to go outside.
6) Not having an air-con while I sleep.
7) Not having you by my side while I sleep.
8) Dai pai dong cheung fun/ UK chinese food in general, mostly the manchurian food that Jun brings back from work everytime he comes home from work.
9) Eating out in Aberdeen in general.
10) Not having to wear SPF when I go out in the morning.
11) Customer service. GOOD customer service. (I hate how everyone seems to act like you owe them something when they are actually getting paid to do their job.  As if smiling is too difficult to do. wtf)
12) People using their indicators.
13) Clothes and shoes shopping. Shopping in general, really.
14) Cheap airfare.
15) People being able to bring their dogs everywhere. (I keep imagining I see dogs in everybody's cars. I think I might be going insane with UK withdrawal symptoms)
16) £££££ Pounds £££££ and my job.
17) The Scottish accent. Not necessarily the English accent since Jun has one anyway and I get to listen to his beeeeeyouuutiful voice everyday :):)
18) FAST INTERNET.
19) Being able to pay for EVERYTHING with a debit card. lol
20) Just Aberdeen in general, and my flat, and my room, and my makeup table, and my big ass mirror...........

To be completely honest, I think the one thing I miss most is JUN and he's not even a thing, he's a person.. but he's also where my heart is and where my heart is, is home. I feel so odd not having him around, not having someone I can rant to, I can cuddle with, I can watch movies and sing songs with, I can cook for, I can shower with kisses.. It is odd. Very odd. I don't know how to explain this feeling and I don't think I can ever explain my yearning for him or how my brain worries.. mmm.. Thank heavens for the internet though, even though it is horrid in Brunei, it still allows me to lines/skype/email with my dearest. I am also quite thankful I don't have to deal with time difference for the moment since he is in Hong Kong right now, so that gives me a good two months more to stabilize myself before he heads back to the UK and the 7 hour time difference starts.

I, myself, have not been up to much. Spending time with la familia and have been blessed to be able to catch up with Chloe. Been able to eat kolo mee pok EVERYDAY since I've come home and have been to Shahbandar ONCE. Yesterday. Although, now my leg muscles are completely dead and I am ouching everytime I have to go on the stairs. Lol. I am so weak. 3 Hills in 2 hours. zzzz

Bottom line, I want to blog and I will soon once I get the hang of typing with these nails. Also, JUN IF YOU ARE READING THIS, I MISS YOU ALWAYS. hahah and I love youuuuuu. *only youuuuuuuuu can take me chui sai keng.....

And to the rest of y'all reading this, thank you for reading! hehe and not giving up on checking my blog. I LOVE YOU TOO *hearts* *super gan dong*

xoxoxo
Amelia

Will be back soon

I've been meaning to return to the blogging community for a while now, complete with lovely pictures and memories to boot. However, unfortunately blogger has been acting up and just won't let me upload pictures! Ugh.

Anyway, it is 840 am and I am sat in the library half asleep, looking at pictures on Tastespotting (because for some reason I am STARVING) and being a nuisance to Jun who's finishing up his thesis. (Not really, tying to be of moral support.. but I don't know if it's been working.) lol

Exams are at the end of the month - 28th and 31st of May and in true Amelia fashion, been procrastinating the hell out of it. 3 more weeks today I tell my self so I will start serious revisioning come Monday. Oh yeaaaah. That said though, we've had all our final classes this week for uni. If all goes well, those would have been the last classes of my LIFE.

Why am I SO BLOODY HUNGRY. I am going to buy jarred pesto (pls dont judge) and just mix it with a TON of pasta and sundried tomatoes later.

And then I have work.

Woohoo.

Life of a procrastinator.

Lots of love
Amelia

Don't understand

I have long neglected this blog and I feel awful about this.

I have something to say and until I get my shit sorted out I'll return to the blogging scene.

I am not right in the head and I need to fix myself instead of pretending to the world that I am okay, that I am sane, that I am happy.

I am horribly unhappy with who I am. Yet again.

Anybody willing to lend some good advice etc, you know where to contact me. (aka in person or emails etc-- i will appreciate it.)

Right now I just need to focus on not trying to kill myself.

Lots of love,
Amelia x

...

ARGH. I TYPED A REALLY LONG POST ABOUT A VERY SENSITIVE ISSUE IN MY LIFE and blogged deleted it. THANKS.

Anyway, when I get the mood again, I'll type it all out. IT TOOK me FORTY minutes to type out what I had lor and I still wasn't finished. DAMN YOU BLOGGER :( hahaha

Maybe some other day.

My FA3 exam went by quite well I must say. (I don't know how well, but I think I did quite decent! :D) and I've got my mandarin paper this friday and I will be free from the shackles of exams!!!!!!!! Hooray! Going to celebrate it by cooking Vegetable curry for all my loved ones (i.e Jun Diana Sinda and Cheryl) to eat! I hope it turns out well and then we are going to FINALLY watch Les Mis in the cinema after dinner and hopefully go dancing on Saturday! REJOICE! happy.

My life is going pretty well atm. If you read my twitter, I really don't know why I get so down sometimes. IT IS WEIRD. Hmm. Sorry, I apologize lol. SO negative. I don't think I actually feel that way but maybe at that time it was just loads of pent up frustration in me and like twitter is my only medium of getting it out of me.

Hmm.

Anyway, talk to y'all soon!

OH. 4km in 30 mins on the treadmill today. I AM SO HAPPY. I used to do 5km in about an hour/50 minutes  so I must say this is quite a feat! :D Thing is I started not being able to run very much (could NOT run continuously for 10 minutes lol) but now I can.. sorta.. and ahh I'm so proud of myself. Well done Amelia! *pats self on back* LOL

Okay. I sound so hyper. I am actually feeling so darn hyper right now and it's 11PM. Wtf anyway, babes is coming round after his intensive revision for his exam on Wednesday (poor boy has 5 in a week) and I really need to pee now.

Blog soon!

Lots of love and thanks for checking it ;)

Amelia XXXX

Cake..

Ah, here I am. 10.44PM on a Saturday night, having just spent over 13 hours in the library revising for my exam this wednesday. What could I possibly be doing at such a time after what I've been doing all day long?

Baking a cake. That's what I am doing.

Not just any cake, I am making a an Olive Oil Lemon Cake ala In Jennie's Kitchen.

I am excited for the outcome! I've been wanting to make this cake in the longest time and I guess to me, this is the best time. Cake soothes all souls. Tired souls. Hungry souls. Angry souls. Stressed souls.. especially stressed souls. I'm going to hope this cake turns out well so that I can distribute them lovingly among my lovely stressed ones. (Mostly Cheryl.. followed by.. Sinda.. followed by Jun & Diana.. although I won't be seeing Diana tomorrow I think so I don't know if she'll get to eat it. lol) but yeah. Cake is the best thing in the world.

I love cake so much. I love it as much as I love making them. I have so many baking plans for this year! So many recipes to try!!!!! So exciting. Hehe I've already promised Sinda a cheesecake for her birthday as well, so I need to go on another recipe hunt to look for the perfect cheesecake to bake for her!!!!

Jun is coming by later and I can't wait. Never mind the fact that I only just saw him a little over 4 hours ago, I can't wait to see his face and I can't wait to have him to hug and kiss again. Excuse the overdosage of "sweetness" here but nearly 14 months with this man and everyday I still feel my heart race and sing whenever I see him. Ahhhh. I hope to be perpetually on this cloud 9. It is such a nice warm fuzzy feeling. Jun.. he really does make my world a better place. I am always so thankful :)

Okay then, 20 more minutes till this cake is done and I cannot waitt!! I'm gonna play some games I downloaded for my iPhone.. OH YA. I haven't blogged since the New Years, well, I've gone over to the "dark" i.e Apple side of things for phones. I'll touch on this subject next time :P hehe

Anyway, I do believe I am the luckiest girl in the world sometimes.

Mostly because I have so many who are willing to love the mess that I am.

Lots of love,
Amelia XX

Pre Exam Week

Ugh. Exams. Exams. Exams. Same old. One would think that after 17 years of academia, one would be used to having exams.

NO.

lol.

On the contrary, they make me even more scared than before.

Wish me luck! I'll be back on the blogging scene after the 16th! ^_^

Lots of love,
Amelia xx

November!

"So I let them have their little victories which they need far more than I do." 
- Bukowski

I have been meaning to write an official blog post welcoming November into our presence but look, it's nearly 1 week into November and I've only just gotten round to writing this post.

How is everyone? For those who I'm not in contact with at the moment and you are reading this, how are you? How is your life? How do you feel that 2012 is fast approaching it's end and 2013 is just round the corner? How do you feel about that?

For the record, I am fine. I am alive. I am relatively fit and healthy. I am still breathing. I am still going to university almost every day (not the weekends obviously) and I am still the same, really. I am however very concerned about how fast the time seem to be moving past us and how horrible and cold and wet the weather is here in Aberdeen at the moment. It sure is depressing to look out of the window and all you see is the gray and how cold it is and being afraid to go out because you never know just how many layers you will actually need to combat the cold.

On the other hand, I am excited for this month. This weekend (in two days), I will be in Frankfurt with Diana for a lovely girly weekend filled with window shopping (for me- because I am properly broke), shopping (for Diana- because she is very much more sensible with money as compared to me.) and eating. I love Germany. I love the food, I love the language, I love the order the country is in and this is my third year heading back to Germany consecutively. I've been to most places in the south but this will be my first time to Frankfurt. I would love to discover Hamburg some day in the future as well but not to fret Amelia, you will be going back to Germany sooner than you'd expect.. haha.

Also in this month is Jun and my first anniversary and I am so excited for this one. This may sound horrible but it is true-- I have never been in a relationship with the same guy for more than a year. So this really is new to me and so much excitement! (Tbh, my longest ever relationship before Jun came into my life was really only 7 months so every month I'm with Jun is a new stepping stone and it's great!) hehe I can't believe time has gone by so quickly, I feel like I have only been with him for 6 months.. but it's been good months. Bad months too, but more good than bad and as long as the good outweighs the bad, we don't really have a problem right? (Or at least that's what I tell myself.)

Seeing as I only have 2 more months till 2013, I am trying to make the most of it. I am in the gym 5 out of the 7 days in the week and I've been trying to push myself as hard as I can. I hope I will see results in a bit so I can proud of the hard work I have put in. Also, since I need to save money, I say this is a great time to embark on a new diet and so I have been from the beginning of this month! I will slack a little when I am away from Aberdeen because what is a holiday without getting to eat all the scrumptious foreign food? But I will be good to my body and good to myself when I am in Aberdeen so fingers crossed for the dedication that I must have in me for these two months to be good.

In addition, I want to start to really be happy for people around me and I want to smile more (I have been trying to smile at strangers a lot more these days.. it's motivating and such a mood-lifter when people smile back but you get those who will just wear a frown on their face and it is so sad.) I've had a few children who has smiled back at me and oh my days, the feeling it gives me... makes me so happy!

These are just some of the changes I am hoping to make in my life. I want 2012 to end in a good note so I can start 2013 in an even better note! (Even though our exams are in the beginning of January.)

I hope everyone is well and safe and sound and loved. There are a few people who reads my blog from time to time and I know you do, I just want you to know you are missed in my life and I want to re-connect but I don't know how and I don't know if it'll work.. but if you are one of these few people, drop my an email or something, let me know what you think. If we find time to write a line or two every other day at least, we will find time for each other. I will find time for you. Really and truly.

Other than that.. wish me luck for all that I am hoping to do these coming two months! I am going to need it! hehe

Lots of love,
Amelia. 

Get off my chest.

Hello everyone, it really has been a while hasn't it. I've missed blogging, but will you believe it, I have been too busy. So busy that I haven't had time to sit down and indulge myself in a little blogging or a little tumblr. I will start soon of course. Still learning and deciding how to prioritise my time..

I've been spending some time in the gym these days, trying out new classes, going to existing classes that I know I like already.. I'll say it haha. I'm trying to lose weight. I want to be below 50kgs again, like the old days of 2008 and before when I would never allow myself to be more than 48kgs. Shouldn't have ever let yourself go Amelia, see what you have to work with now? Losing weight is SUCH a bitch. I hate it. It is so difficult to lose weight, even if I do watch what I eat and even if I do go to the gym everyday, I go on the scales every Monday and I am always disappointed and angry at the weighing machine. I really hate it. But argh, slow and steady wins the race right? Just got to be more patient and remember that Rome wasn't built in a day.

Another thing that has been really bugging me is that I never quite seem to remember the importance of this bunch of words:

"You do not need anybody who does not need you.
You do not need to make time for anybody who doesn't make time for you.
You do not need to care about anybody who doesn't care for you."

I really need to keep this in mind, I really need it etched into my mind and soul somehow in order for it to sink in. I want to stop caring about so many people in my life, to be honest but I am finding it so difficult cause I always end up wondering how that person is in life and etc. But no, Amelia, you need to stop giving your time to these people who obviously really do not care enough about you to even make time to ask how you are and etc.

I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS. So frustrating.


A breath of fresh air for this wordy rambling post: Diana and I have bought tickets for a weekend in Frankfurt in the second week of November! I love Germany and I am always up for going somewhere I have not been and thankgod Diana is a good sport to accompany me on this quite spontaneous trip. Last year in November, I was in Oslo with Allisan and the year before, I was in Brussels with Allisan, Diana and Shevie. It's weird that all these little weekend trips always happen in November but, somehow for the past two and now including this year, will be three, years that I've always gone on a spontaneous trip somewhere in November. I am really glad to be going back on German soil. (This will be my third trip to Germany. Berlin in April 2010, and the German/Austrian/Czech roadtrip I had with the girls for Xmas 2011). I am already super looking forward to the food and the language and just hanging out in a new unexplored city again.

I love traveling way too much and it has gotten to a point that I really cannot imagine staying in a same place for months and months without ever leaving the country. I mean, it doesn't have to be be big extravagant trips but small, short, weekend trips would suffice really. Just the thought of being able to sit on an airplane and voila! in 2 hours, I will be on a different land where they speak a different language and eat a different cuisine. So much excitement! :)

Okay, I will now start on some coursework and presentations (I know! 2 weeks into the semester and I'm already swarmed with all this work. Ugh)

I hope everyone who reads this has a great weekend. I'm going to spend mine having an Italian lunch with Jun, Diana and Cheryl tomorrow and then watching Perks of being a Wallflower in the theater (I am SO excited, I've bought the book on Kindle again and have re-read it just to refresh my memory about the book) and then I have a shift to do tomorrow night. Sunday will really just be  day of rest, I hope. It will be good too and will have some time to finish off unfinished work for the week to come.

Lots of love,
Amelia xx

On sunny days.

Hello everyone, just a short update about life at the moment. A little breather from my travelogues atm. It is a lovely sunny day today and I will be heading out in about 3 hours time to meet up with the loveliest Diana in town to do some window shopping. Only window shopping, although we might end up with some nude pumps if we come across any pretty ones. I say only window shopping because we are both making a trip down to Edinburgh this coming Thursday and we already have so much (or little???) on our list of things to buy and that would usually mean we can't spend any more money :(

Anyway, life has been treating me good. It's been a week since my mother has left Aberdeen but I am so thankful for technology now a days that allow me to speak to my mom through facetime, skype etc etc. Her whatsapp isn't working at the moment but I am pretty sure my brother is doing something about it...... haha

 I have been up to nothing actually, made a trip down to uni. Hardly a trip actually, considering I live like 10 minutes away.... but yeah, a trip to uni to sort of finalise all my plans for uni and stuff and I am so happy and relieved that it is now sorted out. :) I am so happy to have friends who care for me and who wants the best for me that they are always there to advice me, to support me and to keep me going on. I love you all dearly, and y'all know who you are.

The boyfriend has been working super long hours for his jobs 6 times a week but his off days are Wednesdays so hip hip hooray cause tomorrow's a Wednesday! :D He is however, stopping his full time this Saturday so I suppose we will have more time to spend together once he's on his part-time shift.

Life has been good to me so far and I hope it will continue to be good to me. I have new goals that I am determined to get through. I mean, it's September already! A new year in Uni, a new term.. another chance at getting this right and yadda yadda. I'm already looking forward to 2013 and all the excitement that the year will bring! Is it too early to say so yet? hehe

Anyway, I hope everyone who reads this has a good month of September and is having a great time in their life! :) Also thank you for still checking up on this blog to see what I'm up to.. :D hehe


Many many best wishes,
Amelia.

Leaving again.

Well, how fast does time fly huh. It's been 1.5 months back in Brunei and it is time to leave again. I am both excited and sad, excited because my mother is joining me for a month back in the UK where we will be going down to London, visiting Luxembourg, Ghet and Amsterdam as well as the Pandas in Edinburgh Zoo and also because I will be seeing my love again. I have been missing Jun a lot lately, and I think I've been under a little stress that I do not like admitting to. I can't really pinpoint on what I am stressing out but I've been really tired and just so unhappy with certain things.

I'm not even sure. Sometimes, I am so sure that I am sick in the head but nobody really wants to believe that right? All day, all night sometimes, I just want to really just quit. There's just something about life here on Earth that makes me feel sickly and then I think about all the lives lost out there who would give everything to be able to live again and then there's me who is pretty sure that hell doesn't exist and that we are on hell. The demons are all here. I believe this is some sort of a quote that I once saw on tumblr. Yes, I just googled it up. The exact quote is,"Hell is empty and all the devils are here." I don't know how to explain, but I truly believe this with all my heart. All the bad things are on this earth and it really makes me so sick.

I have also privatised my twitter, and I think for good this time, deleting every one who was following me. I'm sorry if you were an avid reader of my tweets and thank you for being patient with my sometimes really angry tweets. I have decided that my tweets are not meant for reading and that it was unfair to have them on your twitter dashboard just polluting it with horrible words from my sometimes horrible mind.

I have decided that the good will never outweigh the bad. There will always be good times and then bad times to make up for all the happiness you've ever once felt. I have issues, my up and downs, my high and lows are so extreme sometimes I feel like no one should ever be allowed to put up with me. What have I ever done to deserve friends who gauge how I am feeling through my tweets to know when to pick me up when I am feeling down? What have I ever done to deserve friends who just time after time put up with me? I have never done anything.

This summer, I managed to only meet up with people that I actually wanted to see and that really made things good for me. Also, I had the pleasure of having Sinda over for the first 2.5 weeks and that was really the highlight of my summer. It was so much fun and I can say that I was truly happy during those two weeks. It is so nice to have someone to bring around and to eat with and do all sort of silly with. It was really nice. Sinda, if you are reading this, thank you so much for coming to visit. I really appreciated all that time you spent with my family and I. It was truly a heart warming time. This summer, I also bonded with Scamp a lot more and he is very  stuck to me this time round and it breaks my heart to have to say goodbye to him and not see him for the next couple of months. Oh, how I wish I could bring Scamp with me everywhere. I have never loved a dog as much as I adore Scamp. He is such a good dog.

Also, this time apart from Jun has confirmed what I was initially afraid that I wouldn't be able to. I can put up with this distance. I am willing to commit to a long-distance relationship for the next year or so. It won't be easy, time difference is one of the worst things about it. I am awake when he is asleep and vice-versa. But, as long as we both want it to work it will be okay. When there is a will, there is a way. Some days it is difficult and all I want to do is cry and wish he was there with his arms around me in a warm embrace, some days it is a little easier and I am okay with the distance but it is never easy. I know it sounds so cheesy, but I miss him all the time even when I do not talk about him. I just about miss him while I am doing everything. Jun has been an absolute sweetheart this few months and I am so thankful for a boyfriend with as much patience as Jun has. :) Thank you baby.

This coming month will be a little more stressful than usual for me but I am hoping that by the end of the month, I will have some good news to share with all of you (my non-existent readers).

Thank you for reading, it really does mean a lot to me.

Lots of love,
Amelia xx

I'll try.

"You give it all that you've got and then it doesn't even matter cause it'll never be enough."


I don't understand the human race. I don't understand the way the human mind works. Which, would make sense I suppose. I don't think they are meant to be understood. What are you thinking? Why are you thinking? All these questions, will never be answered.

"Human beings are always longing to fall "in love." But love is like a swimming pool; once you fall in, you cannot fall out. The decision is whether you want to swim in the shallow end or the deep end, whether you want to participate superficially or create an ever deepening spiritual bond. The truth is, when love is profound, it is a rising in love, and it is conscious." - Beckwith

If I could, I would help you. I would want to make you feel like you're everything in this world. I would like to save you from the darkness and all these thoughts that clouds your beautiful mind and soul. I want to be able to make you shine and keep you high in the clouds. I want you to feel like you can do everything and anything. That you are indestructible, because you are. You are so many things. So many good things that I think you forget from thinking too much. I do that too, I over-think too. I can't blame you. The world is harsh and it reminds us of all the ugly around us and I just want to take you somewhere beautiful and lovely and bright and stay there with you.

"If God exists, and I truly don't believe he does, he will know that there are limits to human understanding. He was the one who created this confusion in which there is poverty, injustice, greed, and loneliness. He doubtless had the best of intentions, but the results have proved disastrous; if God exists, he will be generous with those creatures who chose to leave this Earth early, and he might even apologize for having made us spend time here." - Veronika Decides to Die

I just hope in time everything will be better again and that you will never feel the way you feel now. Please don't doubt yourself, at least, not for a long long time.

I can't do anything but love you like you know I do. I can love you more. I will.

Lots of love,
Amelia xx

Funny.

Funny how the world changes doesn't it.

Last year, you told me words that hurt me and still haunt me sometimes these days to the point that I sometimes question the things I do. Your words, they stung me.. bad. They keep me from being the person I am. Sometimes, I dislike myself because of what you said to me.

But look how the tables have turned. It seems like, karma does exist after all. But you know what, I'll keep it to myself. Thanks.

The thing I've learnt is that you need to always be true to yourself. If you can't even be honest with yourself, or be at one with the person you truly are..  how is anyone else suppose to know the real you?

Be yourself and be proud to be who you are. I'm still learning how to love myself, but I know that today, I love myself more than I ever have in the past years and so far so good. I've no regrets for the person that I am today. (even if I can be a little too harsh on myself sometimes.)

The people who care, will in the end be there for you. True friends are the ones who are there for you despite whatever crap you put them in. They are the ones who tolerate and love despite all. I know who my true friends are and I may not be somebody who has a lot of friends, but I am blessed with the handful of them who love me dearly and want only the best for myself. In this aspect, I consider myself the luckiest. What did I ever do to deserve these friendships?! hehe :) Must have done something right~!!!!!! LOL

 

After all, how many times can you actually keep trying to reassure yourself that you are happy? 

xx

Amelia 

Just words..

“What do you want from me if I do go back?” 

“Just one thing,” she says, raising her head and looking me straight in the eye. “I want you to remember me. If you remember me, then I don’t care if everyone else forgets.”  - Murakami

 I've always had a penchant for words. Since I was little, young, a teen, I have always loved quotes, lyrics, words in general. This is why I have a tumblr completely filled with just words.. and a few notebooks filled with my favorite quotes stashed away in the drawers of my study table.

Anyway, today I woke up from a dream that was just too many things in one. I was a dancer, who was going to get my wisdom tooth plucked out, but in the surgery, the doctor took out the wrong teeth so it was really just very very traumatic. This doesn't help since I will be going for my wisdom tooth removal this coming Friday and I am freaking scared. Also, in the dream, I was with Chloe and Jun and we met SuJu and Chloe managed to shake hands and speak to some of them and I was just going crazy over SiWon and Jun was just rolling his eyes and muttering under his breath,"I cannot believe I am here." It was just a really busy dream and I woke up feeling like I've been all over the world and my body ached in pain.. as though I had really been dancing all around the world.

Have you ever felt like that? So tired even after sleeping thoroughly the whole night through? I honestly do believe it is the dreams that are making me so tired. I am tired every morning even though I make sure that I get at least 8 hours of rest every night. I usually have really crazy dreams though so for the mean time I am going to blame the dreams. Hehe

 Meant to be hanging out with Chloe today but that poor girl's woke up feeling ill so we've postponed our day to Wednesday. I only see Chloe for a short period of time once a year and this saddens me. Our time together even though we have not seen each other in ages never changes anything. We meet up and it feels like we have been seeing each other all along, y'know? Like we always have things to talk and laugh about. I love how we can connect. I think this is what friendship is all about; being able to meet up only once a year and yet get to talking like as though we see each other the whole year through. When we first became friends in 2008, we made a promise to each other that in our friendship, we will never judge one another. This makes it a lot easier since I feel like I can really tell her about anything and everything and I don't feel like I'm being judged. This is one of the biggest reasons why I love Chloe and why I think she is the bomb diggity. :)

In other lovely news, I am 3.5 weeks away from being re-united with my lover and soulmate! Hehe It will be such a relief to see his crooked smile and his brown eyes in person again and I can't wait. We've been doing well with making sure we talk to each other once a day and to text each other from time to time and I am so happy that we've both been able to do it properly! Even if I am a grumpy cow when I wake up at 7am for our skype sessions -- sorry baby! he he he But this boy, he loves me crazy, he sees my light and he loves my dark. Well, I don't think he loves it lah but he tolerates it which is more than I can ask for. hehehehe I am one of the most temperamental people here on earth and my close friends will be able to vouch for that. i.e Diana, Jun, Amilyn..... hahahahahahaham. My mood swings are like a rollercoaster, it is a miracle these people put up with me the way they do. Really must have done something right to receive all this love from these special people!

The other day I was just cleaning up my dressing table and I found a letter written from Diana to me on my 18th birthday and just reading it made me tear up like mad. Thank you Diana for everything throughout these years. You are one of my oldest friends and I am thankful that we were given the opportunity of becoming friends in the beginning.

I also need to stop procrastinating like it's my middle name. Well, actually, it might just be my middle name. I AM SUCH A BLOODY PROCRASTINATOR. Don't even know where I learnt it from, but damn the day I did. lol such an annoyance and I am SUCH a cow I don't bother to do anything about it.... (-_-) I have so many things to do but I keep not wanting to do them and I know I will end up regretting this.

AMELIA PICK UP YOUR PACE AND STOP PROCRASTINATING LAH. Actually, I blame the lighting in my study room. lol. It's really shitty lighting and makes me not wanna do any work at all.

Also, the internet in Brunei is major bollocks so I'm blaming that too. :P

Lots of love,
Amelia xx