“You will fall away from me in just a while, won’t you, and I’ll be whole again, and I will go on and feel for someone else, the way everybody does.” - Paullina Simons, The Bronze HorsemanHello :) , I don't ever know when it is appropriate for me to put a smiley. When i do, it seems like I'm happy but I'm not. I sort of want a smiley which can depict both the sadness and the little hapiness that is left in my self but that would probably mean I will need to use =/ which doesn't look too nice. So sometimes I completely do not use the smiley and then I'd come off as harsh and not very nice. It is quite annoying =/
It's day 4: Today I dream about us walking in the snow, last December. We walked and we talked, we laughed and we laughed. I was freezing because I was wearing a skirt! (You always thought it was ridiculous that I'd wear skirts on days that were absolutely freezing). We lost our way out and before we knew it, we were on the road on the way to the beach. We wrestled and had a snow fight by the side of the road in a open field (ish) filled with so much snow. I never knew how it was like to have snow up my skirt and up my jacket but I guess I found out that day. :) .. Walking down the beach hand in hand with the wind in our hair. How does one forget such a thing? Or us, taking walks down to the beach and sitting on the bench eating doritos? Watching the stars and listening to each other talk about everything. I've always loved listening to you talk, when you're just going on and on about something so passionate and so full of life when you talk. I miss your voice already so so so much. I keep collecting all these thoughts and things that I'd love to share with you but keep forgetting that you don't want to hear them anymore. That this is really over and that I'd never get to tell you all about the things that I wanted to. You were always patient when I rambled on and on about useless things that really shouldn't have taken up your time. I miss your blue shirt the one you always looked so damn good in. I remember the first time I'd ever seen you in that shirt, I literally had my breath taken away. I loved that shirt. It looked beautiful on you.
I will remember when you taught me how to ride the bike and the lawn where we sat in the sun, I will remember that you made me like how to eat bolognese and how to cook it. I will remember you trying to scare me that one day when you hid in your wardrobe but failed cause I was already in the room and you crept out slowly cause you weren't sure. I will remember the first time I met you, you had already made me laugh (in my heart), who would've know then?? I will remember the first kiss you gave me. Always. I will always remember the ways you made me laugh so so so much and watching family guy with you all the time. The way you sang me to sleep, I used to think I was the luckiest girl alive going to bed all the time. I will remember your love with those 'innocent' smoothies and you would have them next to bed and we'd have them first thing in the morning for breakfast. You were always so enthusiastic about those smoothies. I will always remember waking up with sunshine in my eyes first and then your lovely face, your hair and those eyelashes next to me. I will remember sitting outside Kings College eating subway on a lovely day people watching and you pointing out the funniest things ever. Or the first time you took my hand in yours. Or your big brown eyes all the time.
I don't want to remember all of these things, but I know I will because those are the times that made me so happy and thinking about them leaves a bittersweet sort of feeling on me. I cannot imagine anybody else who could make me laugh just as hard, or anybody else who'd give me the exact feeling that you gave me when I saw you. I cannot imagine anyone who will make me feel like I can fly. I cannot imagine myself ever as happy as I was... I cannot imagine holding hands or talking and eating cross legged watching movies or sleeping or cuddling or anything ever again with anyone else.
I know I will though, eventually I'll forget every small detail about you and I'll forget a lot of other things. But I don't know when that day will come, my heart is so broken at the moment it just feels like it'll never ever mend or come together ever again. I hope it comes soon though, I can't wake up feeling like shit all the time... neither can I go to bed at night feeling like shit as well. I will need to pull my self together, and learn to love myself more than I love others. I'll need to put my walls up again and this time make it harder for anybody to break them down. I know I'll always have a soft spot for you though, you're already my first ex-boyfriend that I don't hate. I can't find an ounce in my puny heart that wished you were dead/something bad will happen. All I want is the best for you. And if the best is me not being with you at all, then so be it. I'll hurt by myself (and the help of my very unfortunate friends) and I'll learn to let you go one piece at a time.