Thursday, September 30, 2010

Handle me.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.” - Audrey Hepburn
I think one of the things I loved most about Max was his ability to make me laugh almost anytime, anywhere. He made me laugh the most about the silliest things, about not so silly things, about everything. It was one of the greatest things I loved about that boy.

This morning I woke up to a crabby day. Felt as emotional as a baby in the middle of the night and was talking to Christopher and bawling my eyes out. So much for not crying for the past two days. This morning made up for those two day. But Christopher is not a person you would ever want to cry to because he doesn't say things that you'll love to hear, "It will be alright... don't worry... he didn't deserve you.. you're too good for him... let the tears flow it'll be better..." No. He tells you the ugly harsh reality and then expects you to take it in just like that. But I suppose in some ways I am grateful for that because at some point I just stopped crying because guess what? I started defending Max. I started spilling out all the reasons to why it wasn't really his fault that I'm as heartbroken as I am. I defended that it was not him that changed but the fact that he was so busy because he was in a new city and had things to try and everything. Even after this horrible week, I still manage to find excuses for him.

It's hard to believe (even for myself) that I am so not angry at him! My old self would be so filled with hate and loathe for him that I'd be the first to delete all pictures and contacts that is affiliated with him but I guess not this time. I've not been able to go through my albums and delete his face of my computer, those pictures are beautiful and I love them. Maybe in due time I'll be able to but right now I'm alright, I don't want to yet. Maybe when it doesn't hurt like a stab in the heart when I come across them then I will delete them, because then it won't be any more use to me.

Also, it's been raining (heavily) non stop and the wind is blasting in my face and it's so cold. Doesn't help that the internet isn't working right. And now we've just found out that we're only gonna get proper wireless in the flat at the end of October! How complete shit is that?

Tomorrow is the last day (and it will be a week since..) in which I will mourn the loss of a lover in my heart. After that, I'll try hard to keep everything away from my mind and heart. I'll be happier with myself. I will learn to be content with my own presence.


No comments:

Post a Comment