Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Like we used to.

 We were born to love. We have an enormous inventory of love stored up in our souls, and we would like to get rid of it; if in no other way than through giving it to a dog. But the rule of the world is that two people have never loved one another the same. Therefore, everyone who loves is disappointed. — Dezso Kosztolanyi
Hello, it's day 5 now. I'm proud to say that I have not cried yesterday and today. I have been reminiscing (finally! I've been trying to remember that word for the past 3 days!!!) quite a bit (okay, fine. A whole lot) - Every single thing I do or see or hear reminds me of Max at the moment.  But, the main thing is I have not cried! It's a start yeah?

It's just that I've been so needy for company. I think that's what having someone to spend every single day with does to you. You start to 'need' company. You hate to be alone. You are scared to be alone. You just don't ever want to be alone. That's me. I'm desperate for company, all I want to do is be surrounded by people even if it's just one. I really do need to just man the fuck up. Easier said than done of course, how annoying. I wish everything was just easier done than said. That way, we'll never have to disappoint anyone, in my opinion.

So that's what I've become. A really really needy person. I guess in some retrospective (I don't actually know if this is used in the right context because it just sounds really cool and fitting), I must be extremely annoying to my friends who I keep trying to contact in order to keep loneliness as far as possible away from me. I do apologize to the few who read my blog (i.e Shevie or Diana - my other aberdeen friends do not read my blog) for being so freaking annoyingly needy. I just need someone/everyone to distract me from my newly sought autophobia (the fear of being alone or by one self).

But albeit from that, I am doing well. I had the loveliest burger with Diana tonight. The burger was beyond awesome both of us greedily gobbled it up as soon as it was set down. I can still taste the lovely succulent beef patty in the back of my mouth..... mmm.... beef patty....... :)

Love all,

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