A man undercover but you tore me apart.

I have, a finance MCQ test worth 20% on Monday and a Stats report due on Wednesday but I have no heart to do anything. I am worried about so many things, I am homesick once again. My head is a puddle of mess that I do not know how to deal with. I sit in my room which I have grown to love, it's got me all written over it from the pink sheets to the wall papers on the wall and my pink polka dotted scarf organiser by the side and my Mr. Pinkytoes in the corner of my room. As much I love this room, I hope somebody comes forward to take this room in January. I hope I pray I wish. The flat is amazing. But, the company is not and it's a very negative feel living in this flat. I go to other people's flat/house and they have an amazing bond with their flatmates. It's so beautiful to share a flat with someone with whom you enjoy the company of. I am so envious of people who have the privilege of living with someone they like. I really am.

Some of you might know, I've been having complication with my visa for Morocco. It is pissing me off, I have sleepless night because of it. I am set to travel on the 18th of December 2010. However, my passport might only be released by the embassy (in London, no less) on the 17th December 2010. I am so scared that the £600 (on the flight, hotels, bus tickets, visas) spent would all be wasted just because some people are so inefficient. And by inefficient, I do not mean myself. I sent my passport in 3 weeks ago, with ample time to have my visa sorted out but no, the embassy decides that I need so many things: a letter from the uni, travel insurance, bank statements. HSBC in UK has been NO HELP AT ALL. I am appalled at their service, I would really like to go to their headquarters and burn it to the ground. I requested for my bank statement 1.5 weeks ago and I still have not gotten it. I called and they tell me that it might have gotten lost in the mail. Excuse me? The embassy is holding on to my passport because I am unable to produce my bank statement and the only thing you can tell me is that the earliest I could get the statement is on Tuesday when my flight is on Saturday. Incompetent set of FOOLS. So I have been worrying about this a lot as well.

My mother is coming in on Friday next week and I am so excited. I have missed her so much. I just want to see her here right now, have all my meals with her, to talk rubbish to her. At the moment she is very sick in Brunei and I am worried for her since she will have to endure the 14 hour flight over her. Why did I make it so difficult for her? Why didn't I just go home to Brunei for winter? And that my readers, is my second biggest regret of 2010. I should have gone home to Brunei for winter. I was selfish, I didn't want to sit on the 14 hour flight home and 14 hour flight back here. I regret it and karma sure is a bitch. I will try to make my flat as warm as possible for my mother,  I have bought extra duvets, pillows, scarves, gloves, shoes. I hope she is able to stay warm here.

I have been frowning so much. I would like to get out of this part of my life for the mean time. My forehead is sick of all the frowning, I just want to be happy.

If santa asked me what I wanted this christmas. I'd tell him without a pause: "I only want to be happy. I want all my worries and doubts to be gone from my mind. Let me be happy please." And that is the truth. I don't want anything else. I don't want money, I don't want more clothes, I don't want a man who will love me through and through, I don't want ANYTHING. I just want to be fucking happy.

How difficult is that? :'(

xx
Amelia.