The weather outside is brilliant, sunny and cheerful, sneering at me while I sit in my kitchen, a little warm and definitely darker than it is outside. I've been revising in the kitchen, for many various reasons. The table and chair in the kitchen is more comfortable than the ones in my room. I am close to food. (which will explain my inevitable weight gain) and the kitchen is just a lovely place to be in. Really.
Today is one of the days. I cannot deal with being alone. I am horrible at being alone. Sure, sometimes it is quite nice to be alone but most days, I can't deal with it. Call me whatever you like, spoilt, needy, a brat. Whatever you want. It all comes down to the fact that I do not appreciate being alone. Anywhere.
I yearn for company. I like company. I like having even if it's just one person sitting behind the door that separates me from another room. Just the thought of someone close to me is enough to make me feel all the better. But not when I know I'm in a house or a place all by myself. I can do with strangers around me. I would be perfectly alright in a room filled with strangers and I didn't know anyone. But this. In a house by myself, no sirree. Not for me.
The exams are shit. To be completely honest and not to beat around the bush. I had my first paper yesterday and while it was an open book 20 question MCQ paper on International Finance Management, it was still shit. The questions were all so confusing with the most ambiguous answers. You choose A and then wonder for the next 5 minutes if you should have chosen B instead because the answers are all so similarly. Just 5% different and yet, it would make all the difference in the final mark. Oh, how I abhor MCQ questions. Never were my favourite kind of questions. 25% of getting a right answer and 75% of getting the wrong. What kind of sick joke is that?
I have my other half of my IFM paper tomorrow and it is redonkulous the amount of work we have to read and understand and memorise for this paper. 3 questions out of 6. Half of which are essay questions and the other half are calculations + short answers. Both of which I don't really excel at. Maybe calculations can save me a little but that's about it. But that's it. Clear as day. Academia is not for me. Never has been, never will be. I hate studying. I hate memorizing. Heck. I am bad at memorizing. I have no interest in learning all these stupid business jargon and figuring out how to calculate exchange rates and all that jazz. I don't. I don't enjoy it at all. I think this is why I can't seem to find myself in the world of studying. I want to be out there getting my hands dirty, experiencing real work instead of all this reading and jotting down useless notes. It makes no sense nor is it any help to the real world. Mind you, I've never actually experienced the real world and this is all in my imagination. Maybe I'll experience the real world one day and hate it equally as I hate studying and then I won't know what to do with life. Ugh.
I am feeling particularly homesick today and I miss my dogs so much. I miss Scamp and his silly antics and the way he rushes into the room when he hears even the faintest sound of plastic bags rustling. I miss Melody and how I could hug her around the next forever while crying into her fur and she would let me be. She'd let me hug her forever, I'm sure. I miss my dogs too much. I can't wait to see them and have them in my arms. Really.
Anyway, I am procrastinating yet again but I am just feeling too blue to continue with any IFM work. I really cannot be bothered and wouldn't mind if I get run over on the way to the exam tomorrow. Heh.
Lots of Love