Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Leaving again.

Well, how fast does time fly huh. It's been 1.5 months back in Brunei and it is time to leave again. I am both excited and sad, excited because my mother is joining me for a month back in the UK where we will be going down to London, visiting Luxembourg, Ghet and Amsterdam as well as the Pandas in Edinburgh Zoo and also because I will be seeing my love again. I have been missing Jun a lot lately, and I think I've been under a little stress that I do not like admitting to. I can't really pinpoint on what I am stressing out but I've been really tired and just so unhappy with certain things.

I'm not even sure. Sometimes, I am so sure that I am sick in the head but nobody really wants to believe that right? All day, all night sometimes, I just want to really just quit. There's just something about life here on Earth that makes me feel sickly and then I think about all the lives lost out there who would give everything to be able to live again and then there's me who is pretty sure that hell doesn't exist and that we are on hell. The demons are all here. I believe this is some sort of a quote that I once saw on tumblr. Yes, I just googled it up. The exact quote is,"Hell is empty and all the devils are here." I don't know how to explain, but I truly believe this with all my heart. All the bad things are on this earth and it really makes me so sick.

I have also privatised my twitter, and I think for good this time, deleting every one who was following me. I'm sorry if you were an avid reader of my tweets and thank you for being patient with my sometimes really angry tweets. I have decided that my tweets are not meant for reading and that it was unfair to have them on your twitter dashboard just polluting it with horrible words from my sometimes horrible mind.

I have decided that the good will never outweigh the bad. There will always be good times and then bad times to make up for all the happiness you've ever once felt. I have issues, my up and downs, my high and lows are so extreme sometimes I feel like no one should ever be allowed to put up with me. What have I ever done to deserve friends who gauge how I am feeling through my tweets to know when to pick me up when I am feeling down? What have I ever done to deserve friends who just time after time put up with me? I have never done anything.

This summer, I managed to only meet up with people that I actually wanted to see and that really made things good for me. Also, I had the pleasure of having Sinda over for the first 2.5 weeks and that was really the highlight of my summer. It was so much fun and I can say that I was truly happy during those two weeks. It is so nice to have someone to bring around and to eat with and do all sort of silly with. It was really nice. Sinda, if you are reading this, thank you so much for coming to visit. I really appreciated all that time you spent with my family and I. It was truly a heart warming time. This summer, I also bonded with Scamp a lot more and he is very  stuck to me this time round and it breaks my heart to have to say goodbye to him and not see him for the next couple of months. Oh, how I wish I could bring Scamp with me everywhere. I have never loved a dog as much as I adore Scamp. He is such a good dog.

Also, this time apart from Jun has confirmed what I was initially afraid that I wouldn't be able to. I can put up with this distance. I am willing to commit to a long-distance relationship for the next year or so. It won't be easy, time difference is one of the worst things about it. I am awake when he is asleep and vice-versa. But, as long as we both want it to work it will be okay. When there is a will, there is a way. Some days it is difficult and all I want to do is cry and wish he was there with his arms around me in a warm embrace, some days it is a little easier and I am okay with the distance but it is never easy. I know it sounds so cheesy, but I miss him all the time even when I do not talk about him. I just about miss him while I am doing everything. Jun has been an absolute sweetheart this few months and I am so thankful for a boyfriend with as much patience as Jun has. :) Thank you baby.

This coming month will be a little more stressful than usual for me but I am hoping that by the end of the month, I will have some good news to share with all of you (my non-existent readers).

Thank you for reading, it really does mean a lot to me.

Lots of love,
Amelia xx

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