Decided to blog today because I've missed ranting in words, and typing fiercely and without hesitation. To put it simply, I've missed writing. And it's not just writing about make-up that I've missed (haven't had the budget or time to buy new make-up.. I know, the sadness) but I've missed writing about how I felt or what I've been doing without being afraid of being judged.
These days, I realised, I have been keeping myself locked up in a box. Not a very big box, a medium one with a few people in there with me. Okay, that come out a little wrong, but like you know, there are a few people that I pour my heart and soul out too so it's been alright but I still feel like there's something missing.
Am I happy? Yet? I think the right answer would be no.. I'm not happy.. yet. I'm good, I'm alright, I'm content.. but I'm not at the level of happy I think I could potentially be. I'm even starting to question the definition of happiness, is it the amount of laughter you go through every day or how much you smile? Cause I definitely laugh everyday and I most definitely smile everyday. But at the end of the night, when I'm home.. I just feel like emo-ing.. mostly. Or just knocking out (which on most days is a good thing). There are times when I'm restless and can't sleep and thank goodness for the time difference because my love, Diana usually will be there to talk to me till I finally get sleepy, but when she is not, I tumblr and overthink about life.
Some days, I pat myself on the back because I feel like I've come a long way from dark days. Some days, I'm not so sure. I've taken up calligraphy and it's been a good past time.. some nights I can sit and write and practice for hours and hours till it's past midnight and my eyes are tearing up to sleep. Maybe when I consider myself good enough, I'll post some here for memories.
Where is all the time going to? I think about what I have done this year and whilst I had done a fair bit, I still feel like I haven't done quite enough and I can't think about what I can do with the remaining 5 months of 2015. In a month's time, I will be reunited with Diana and Chloe, and Allisan in Bangkok and I am really, really, REALLY, looking forward to that. Mostly because my three favourite people are going to be with me at the same time in a really awesome city, so that's a lot to look forward to there. You know, I was already going to BKK with Alli, but when Chloe and Diana confirmed that they too, could meet us up there, I was so happy I could cry. My face was actually hurting from smiling so much haha.
Also, I've finally finally been to Melbourne now. At one point, it felt like I was the only person on this world that's not been to Melbourne, so I'm glad I can say that I've finally visited and I enjoyed myself! I would say, mostly my tummy enjoyed it. Packed on a fair bit of weight there and I almost don't regret it. Visited Philip Island and penguins almost became my new favourite animal (can't compare with rabbits and dogs though.. I cannot.), only because they were SO cute and smart and just lovely. I don't think anyone could stay upset watching them walk. That was a good experience. I also got to see some koalas and kangaroos, which I was excited for. The last time I was in Australia, I was in Primary 6, perhaps? So it's been a while. I still prefer the UK for many things, but I can see why people like Australia too. hehe
I want to be back in this space soon. It's nice to be able to type again hehe It really has been a while. Before I leave today, I want to share this little quote that I came across whilst tumblring today. It really hit a spot and made me want to cry.
“Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.” ― Nayyirah WaheedAnd I think it's so true. There's another quote that I love so much that goes like this:
"Wait for the person that makes things feel effortless. You should not have to try so hard to keep him. If he's the right person, he'll stand by you no matter what and you won't have to exhaust yourself with trying to make him stay."And my most favourite quote of all:
"The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you'll see their flaws. That's just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don't last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they are out of money or under pressure or hungry. For goodness' sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it's seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship."Basically, what the world of quotes is trying to tell me and all of y'all out there is that if a person loves you, they'll love you. Irregardless of everything.
Some days I feel like I'm the most difficult person to love and some days I feel I'm really not that bad. Some days people make me feel like I am not worthy of their time, or their love and it's hard on those days, but then there's also more days where people make me feel like I am worth their time and love and I am especially thankful for these people because y'all really do lift me out of the clouds. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for listening to me, and not judging me and just letting me air out my heart. It gets so stuffy in there with all the thoughts and silly things I keep in there. Some days, I just wish I didn't feel so much.
It would be so much easier if I was cold hearted.
Lots of love,